Lightbulbs?

ok..
did something random again..
introduced Japh to some light bulb jokes..
and we have been going on ever since..haha..

here are some of my favourites..

Q:  How many Italian-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  I dunno exactly, but my brothers girlfriends fathers boss
 secretary's sister's next door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop
 steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Seargant-of-Arms nephew's
 best friend did it real cheap for me once.

Q:  How many Italians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Two. One to change it and one to sprinkle it with Parmesan. (Refers to
 the Italian restaurant habit of sprinkling everything with Parmesan, even
 though it makes everything smell convincingly of sick.)

Q:  How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  WHO WANTS TO KNOW?
A:  JUST EXACTLY DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? HUH? HUH?

Q:  How many amoebas does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  One. No, 2. No, 4. No, 8. No, 16. No, 32.......

Q:  How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Four - one to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.

Q:  How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  One - but he has to wait until the light is better.

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one
else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even
know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the
dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it
out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact
that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But
if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS
LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on
to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND
UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT
BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT
THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES
OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE
HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry...what did
you ask me?

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.
Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against
spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three
committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad
and fried chicken.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the
drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or
completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or
tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring
bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review
church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What's a light bulb?

Q.      How many Scottish historians does it take to change a lightbulb.
A.      All of them, because they are sick of living under the shadow of
England for so long.

Q:  How many seventies disco dancers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Two. One to boogie up the ladder and one to say "Get daaowwwwn !"

Q:  How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant "Fight Darkness!"

Q:  How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Nobody knows.  Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.

Q:  How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  it's a military secret

Q:  How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A : only one. but it takes like 1000 years

Q. How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?
A1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our
whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned out bulb?
A2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not
up to code.
A3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
A4. Rottweiler: Make me.
A5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
A6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can
I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
A7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I lead these people from
the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one
more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of
the situation.
A8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the
walls and furniture.
A9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light
bulb?
A10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the
dark.
A11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
A12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...
A13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
A14. New Zealand Sheep Dog: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a
little cluster...
A15. Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do
it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light
bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect
some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE
STAFF.

Q: How many customer service representatives does it take to change a
lightbulb?
A: 5.  One to incorrectly diagnose the problem, 2 to repeat the first
rep's notes to the customer, and one to inform the customer that the
lightbulb changing service is no longer available in that location.

Q: How many Palistinians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 2.  One to negotiate with the old bulb and one to shoot at it at the
same time.

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them
decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell
and hurt ourselves.

Q:  How many Politically Correct Clergy does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None.  Politically Correct Clergy do not change light bulbs.  They ban
 light bulb jokes.

Q:  How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  How many can you afford?

Q:  How many African Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drive the pink Cadillac in
 tight circles.

Q:  How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Only one, but it takes eight million years.

Q:  How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Two, the new one and the old one. (hahahahah ???)

Q:  How many KGB agents does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Two: One to screw it in and the other to check it for microphones.

Q:  How many Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None. If the lightbulb has died, it is the will of Allah, and it
 would be blasphemy to attempt to change it.



AND MY ALL-TIME FAVOURITE!

    How many hobbits does it take to change a light bulb?
  __________________________________________________________________

One to complain that the light bulb isn't working,
Five to hold a meeting to decide what to do about it,
Twenty to form an expedidtion to the fabled Lightbulb mines of Mythrill,
Thirty to throw a going away party,
One to ask Gandalf for directions,
One to sell into slavery when the petty cash runs out,
Five to get lost through natural wastage (Bandits, murderers, monsters
etc),
One to thrown to the Dragon that guards the Lightbulb mine,
Two to carry the lightbulbs,
Five to find a large, sword-welding barbarian to escort the lightbulbs
home,
Thirty to throw a safe return party,
Five to find an elf tall enough to change the lightbulb,
Five to compose ballads of daring, heroism, sacrifice and lightbulbs,
Finally another two-hundred to appear in the subsequent Tolkien books.

datz it folks..haha..

signing off,
MarcusDS